I have a knack for flipping open a book or hearing a song or turning on the television at just the right moment and getting specific messages that I’m needing. It’s really uncanny sometimes. The other morning was no exception.
I turned on the tv and Rick Springfield was on Regis and Kelly. I’m not particularly a fan of the show or even of Rick Springfield’s music to be honest. BUT… wow. I dunno exactly what point it was, but when he was talking about his book and admitting his struggles and going to therapy and finally waking up to the reasons why he’s been like he is… (lots to do with not having any real “roots” with family and feeling disconnected with friends. It’s amazing how this can affect the feeling of belonging and unfortunately I could totally identify) BUT also, how it has always fueled his music. I really understood what he was saying. No matter how successful you are… no matter how many people tell you that they love what you do… if you haven’t dealt with your past and if you don’t believe you deserve to be here and loved, then you’ll never find peace. I think it’s important for creatives (especially celebrities) to be open and honest about themselves. That way people aren’t dreaming of false idols. We only see what they want us to see in most cases. They don’t show their underbellies or behind the scenes because they are afraid people will get turned off. Usually when these things are revealed, it’s because things have finally come to a head/tail spin or people have decided to share because they are finally changing and can’t hide it anymore. It’s sad and beautiful at the same time finding out about these struggles. But it makes for beautiful angst and art and music and writing, doesn’t it? The creatives thrive off of it. Distracting ourselves provides delay and future fodder. Those that are looking for balance of the best of both worlds really have to work to have it. They have to weather the storm. Some don’t make it through. And some come out finally at peace and authentic. Most people don’t figure out any of their junk until later years- and then wish they could have those “lost” years back. I say let’s all figure out our shit ASAP. That is what will make all the difference.
For awhile now things have been… well, I’d use the word challenging, but I was recently advised to use the word ‘change‘ instead (so I don’t attract MORE challenges.) So, I guess I should say, for a while now, things have been changing. Roller coaster comes to mind. I like the idea of roller coasters at a theme park (Harry Potter, I WILL experience your theme park one day), but not so much for describing life happenings. I’ve changed my life and I’m learning a lot this year. Some of it has been great. But it’s hard work to change and to do so I’ve had to painfully identify the things that have kept me from doing/being/seeing/knowing,etc. While it’s not pretty, I’m at least glad I am awake to it all now. And something that Rick Springfield (seriously! I mean, of all people!) said the other day in his interview really brought me to a centered place. I ended up with this: lose the fear and take faith in the path we are on and how we are being led by something divine. Heal ourselves with full knowledge that as we do we can and will move forward to the better things that await us. Get out of your own way. Take care of yourself. Continue to love. Let go of those who don’t love, respect or value you. Stop wasting time worrying about those who have forgotten about you. Get out of your head and live. Give yourself another day or a week or a month or a year. It gets better. Maybe it’s knowing that so many others are going through the same thing brings comfort. People might not be talking about it or sharing it openly, but it’s there. We look to those to identify with and hopefully they share something that can help others. If nothing else, it’s enough to demonstrate that none of us are ever really alone with this common experience.
I can’t share more on here since latest incidents involve people I want to protect, but I’m getting through it now by changing myself even more. On top of that, I recently found out that yet someone else I love has cancer. If I hear one more person in my life has to battle this I feel like I could explode with fury. I hadn’t been handling things very well recently and was mostly feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I decided to finally change a few things after a recent 4a.m. incident during a night out brought it to a head and left me feeling just awful. Seriously. If I am going to honestly change things, then part of that is really understanding what it is and to stop standing in the way of myself. Whenever I drop my guard and my walls and just let life flow, amazing things happen. And when we have those things happen, it ignites a whole new outlook. I am feeling blessed to have this knowledge. My goal is to be aware of this constantly so that I move forward and don’t take steps back. I guess I should wrap up this rather heavy journal entry. A shout out to good ole Ricky Springfield for making me feel like Jessie’s girl for a moment in time. That moment brought me some interesting clarity.
To sum up- connecting mind, body, and spirit is the key to all of it. Duh. I know this, but I’m only realizing the benefits of it now because I’m doing something about it. If we only concentrate on one or two of these, we’ll never fully be grounded enough to move forward. I’m eager to continue with this now that I have the awareness… it’s amazing the beautiful work I’m creating in the studio just in the past week or two- this comes out of well-being for sure. My favorite days are the ones I am happy because I feel healthy, productive, and that what I do with my time and my life really do matter. Those are the days I’m not looking for love. Those are the days I am love. Those are the most important days.
So, the things that have made me happy lately are quite simple:
• eating a juicy Georgia peach and getting to the pit and wondering WHY oh WHY do the pits have that pointy part at the one end? It’s like the peach is saying “yes, I am sweet…” (and then that thorny part of the pit hits your mouth) and the peach then says “but not that sweet…” Of course I am imagining this in an Eddie Izzard voice. Almost anything said with an Eddie Izzard voice makes me happy.
• hearing the joy in a collectors voice last week telling me about how she and her husband fell in love with my painting before it was on the gallery wall and how perfect it is in their home. I truly feel uplifted in every way knowing that I created something that can bring such joy to anyone.
• walking into my studio and seeing my latest paintings – some in progress, some just started and some just finished. They are so full of life and makes my heart dance.
• finding out I get to go see my friends in Chicago and Newport soon. People I love and miss and that I feel very connected with. Gives me a lot to look forward to.
• knowing that my new little paintings arrived safely at my gallery in Florida and hearing the joy through the phone as they tell me they think my babies are “beautiful”.
• finding out that one of the designers who has placed my work has a new potential for getting my work out internationally (hate to jinx anything, but I’m pretty excited about the possibilities involved).
• feeling alert, clear-headed and energetic from the whole body cleanse I’m in the middle of. (It’s not easy giving up the cocktails, I can tell you!)
• sending out mental apologies and love to those I may have been shut off to lately.
• hearing from those people out of the blue that I sent mental messages to.
• knowing this feeling.