Lately if/when I’ve gotten grumpy it’s because I’m still trying to make dreams come to fruition. A feeling of being so close and yet so far at the same time. It’s a mix of feeling very fortunate while trying to aspire to be more, do more and then on the other side of it… just “be”. When I get into these moods/modes, I’ve thought “Jen, you better check YO self!” Don’t put energy into the “wrong” things.
I’ve been playing with the idea of boundaries and blurred lines (which will probably show up in my paintings in the near future.) This is a combination of feeling blessed and grateful along with an overall restlessness. Thinking thinking thinking way too much. Where am I and where do I want to go? My plans and dreams have made themselves more apparent lately. They don’t want to wait anymore. The back-burner is full. There is no “back up” plan. There never was. So whispering ideas and frustrated tugs are my thoughts and daydreaming often side tracks the beautiful way of a “now” mindfulness. I know this is a great place to be as great things often come right after these moments of change and uncomfortable transforming. Does any of this even make sense outside of my head? I might lose a few readers after this journal entry. I don’t feel like editing myself even if I’m admittedly a little confused.
So there it is- temporary confusion from an artist put out into cyberspace. I think I’m hoping the more I write about it, the faster it will make sense to me. So far, not so much. As history would remind me though, usually this is the beginning of another successful series of paintings. This is usually how they start…
Transitions are challenging and confusing. The wide range of emotions and thoughts. I have been the carciofo, but right now I’m the ping-pong. I never let myself dare to believe I could REALLY have these things in the past. Now that I’m understanding what I want and what I deserve… it’s spinning me around. And I get dizzy pretty quick. The necessary thing to do is “check m’self” when I’m in these moments. Work. Paint. Focus. Let it go. Release! There is an incredibly fulfilling feeling after a nice long studio session. Like my time was used wisely and that was the most beautiful way I could honor being in this world for the day. My next few days will be insanely productive if I’m going to figure this out. I’d love to use the word epic in the near future.
I am admittedly proud of my work, but why is it that I’m never fully satisfied with it? Is that a typical artist mentality? Always trying to reach another level? It’s this constant need to create more. To make all of it “better”. I think it’s a good thing to step back and reevaluate. I am restless for more growth in my work. That’s part of “the” thing. I finish a piece and step back and say “it’s my baby and I love it! but I KNOW I can do better!” My visions are way ahead of my physical creations.
Challenging ourselves is powerful. But it’s a struggle to identify with so many changing thoughts and emotions. ‘Always room for improvement’ sneaks into my mind. I know I’m growing and changing and it’s always going to be the influence for my paintings. It always is. This is one reason a lot of creatives drink and take drugs. I’m pretty sure because it numbs out all the questions, any uncertainties and basically transports to another place. That’s only temporary though. You wake up and there you are, pretty much where you were when you chose to zone out.
One of my fantasies is to have a beautiful light filled spacious private studio overlooking the water. I think about what I could accomplish and how much my work could grow if I had about 6 months of pure paint time. It would be like a vacation, but it would be somewhere peaceful and inspirational – a place and time to push myself like never before. A luxury to have such things. I read about other artists that have built these things for themselves- usually with a partner- and they seem to be benefiting in soulful ways and I attribute that (from the outside looking in) to their hard work, god-given talent, their partnerships, marriages, and the gift of being able to BE in nature. That’s all they need… love, support and an incredible place to create. Once the right galleries and representatives get a hold of their masterpieces, the world catches on. It’s a beautiful thing.
I whined the other day on my journal about wanting a new studio… so I went to check out potential loft spaces the other day and was rather disappointed. Not altogether disheartened since there are other things going on that I’m pleased about, but disappointed I got my hopes up more than ever. I know I’ll find the perfect space when it’s the right time, but part of my issue IS timing. Also location. Am I in the right place? Is my affair with Atlanta over? The best thing to do in these situations is to get grounded and get clear about what I want. Ah, yes. Clarity. Simplify to get clarity. My work only benefits when I’m learning… so I’m trying to check in with myself if I’m feeling uncomfortable and really ask myself what it’s all about. Maybe I can work it out with the paint.
The fact is… my goals are being reset higher than ever and I’m seeing all the hard work that needs to go into it. I am at a point in my career and personal life that the bar has been raised and I’m going to need every bit of smarts and creative blessings as I can muster. Balance will be key. The other things in my life that bring on drama must be pushed to the side. I will figure this out. Faith and time and hard work.
I’m identifying with Winnie the Pooh tapping his forehead and saying,
“think! think! … think!” And the best part is when he just ends up saying, “Oh bother!”
That’s Pooh trying to check his self. Adorable.