Dancing With Myself

I’m amused. Frustrated. Grumpy. Grateful. Hopeful. Pleased. Restless. Sore. If I were to ask for a cocktail right now I don’t even know what I’d order. It’s going to be an interesting summer. My task list is long. Like, super lonnggggggggg.  I’ve given myself the next three months to really make some progress in and out of the studio. Some of  the things on my list of things to do are from three years ago. I’m not even kidding. It’s not like I just sit around either… I stay pretty busy constantly and I still haven’t been able to get all these things done. That’s why I hired an assistant. That said, I just found out my lovely and faithful assistant is preggers and while I am super happy for her, it means I’ll be solo in the studio. Yup. Dancing with myself. That’s not too unusual, but I have a lot of projects to get ready for. Three upcoming group shows in the fall… a meet & greet event in just two weeks. Commissioned paintings in progress and hopeful proposed commissions that I am looking forward to… and that’s just the art work. I’ve got a book to write, a coffee table book I’d LOVE to finally have ready for the fall, all-inclusive inventory records to sort, database updating, taxes, and new galleries to seek out and approach for the coming new year. I want to get another trusty assistant. There are trips to take and people to see. And of course there are the party pounds that need to be dealt with. For that, I have hired a personal trainer to help me get in to shape. So far I’ve had one day of training and while I’m proud of myself, I admit I could barely walk up my stairs today to get into my home. My entire body aches. Ouch is right. I have a feeling I’m going to be saying that ‘O’ word an awful lot this summer. I’m glad I’m making this journey, but it’s challenging. Another item this summer is continued therapy. I highly recommend therapy for everyone. Mine has been intense, life changing and resulting in the necessary letting go of people in my life who I needed to let go, but also brought me love and joy and whom I miss every day. I definitely miss laughing so hard I cry. I want that. I want to be playful. I want to go out and have fun, but there is hard work behind absolutely everything I am doing. I want to blink myself away some days and be on a sandy warm beautiful beach and dipping my toes into the ocean. Or be back at the villa drinking wine in Italia. I want to laugh and relax. But there is so much work to be done. I daydream of having a place to live in Savannah and so far there are not as many places that fit my Goldie Locks ideal of what I want in a live/work space there. I might have to change my mind a few times… I might even decide to take a few trips this summer and see if there are other places I would prefer to live. I used to live in Virginia. Perhaps Georgetown? I’m supposed to go to San Diego for a wedding.  Maybe I could live there? I’m all over the place. All I know is that I have a lot of plans and those plans take real planning. Time time time. How to be in my precious “now” while always planning? It’s tricky. A true art form. Waking up early and working out and wondering how I’m going to feel and look when I get to that place of seriously being fit. What will it feel like to feel so strong and be so full of energy? I have always admired athletes that have the stamina and the strength that allows them to excel to such great levels. I imagine how much energy I will have in the studio to work on the three largest paintings I have put off. My focus will be on my work… and I’ll be hoping the rest of it will fall into place. I’ll be meditating and painting LOTS.

This has been a random stream of conscious journal entry. I think I am writing it because recently I’ve had people comment that they are jealous of me and my success. I even got called a “little bitch” for going on my trip to Italy this spring. I guess some people might assume things are just “given” to me. Well, not so. Of course if people only hear the accomplishments and the excitement over trips and adventures and epiphanies in the studio and how grateful I feel that I’m somehow making a difference in people’s lives that it might come across as being “easy” or just coming to me. Well, it’s just not. It never has been. I mean, yes, some things really do just CLICK along when all is very right in the Universe, but for the most part, I’ve worked my ass off for as long as I can remember. It feels really really good too. Hard work is good for the soul. But so is love and relaxing and all the other things that go into the celebration from all the hard work paying off. Without one, how could we appreciate the other so much? I’m just sayin that if/when the result from this long list for my summer results in great things starting to happen this fall… it’s because of how I’m spending my time. Focus. Determination. Goals. And from all of this, hopefully there will be many great things happening this summer and fall and continuing beyond. It’s going to take a healthy balance for me to do everything. And if I can’t do everything, then I’ll make sure the things I can do are things I’m enjoying along the way. You know what they say about all work and no play…

Oh what I would give for an otter pop right now. I’m sure I’d come up with a silly dance or jig. Summer is here. I’m looking forward to the coming weeks and months. Time to start checking off items from my list!

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